Since this blog isn't solely designed for the mildly depressing verging on self indulgent posts about feels and stuff, I've decided to take this opportunity to provide my avid readers with a song-by-song play-by-play of Miley Cyrus' new album, 'Bangerz'.

The whole Miley debate has been hot and cold for a while now, open letters and massive amounts of criticism being thrown about all over the place. Who'd have thought that 'Can't Be Tamed' wouldn't be as raunchy as she'd get?! Needless to say, of late she has greatly confused both the lesbian and the feminist within me, but generally my stance is all for female empowerment and we ought to not really tell her how to live. Besides, she must work ridiculously hard on that bodyodyody.

Anyway, back to the point. Don't expect this to be a critique, I'm just writing my thoughts and feelings like a proper blogger.

1 - Adore You.

Some nice sounds. Obviously the first track is supposed to prove how good she actually is at singing. Given the subject matter, it is slightly confusing compared to her current behavior. God, the chorus is like, well lovely. She must properly be in love or something, it's well convincing. I'm going to be singing this at strangers on the bus cause it's pretty catchy. She's talking about Holy Matrimony and oh Miley I want to you marry you. I ADOOOOOOOOOOOOORE YOUHOUHOUHOUHOU.

2 - We Can't Stop

Ah yes, the first single from the album. Must say, I do find the weird voice at the start quite frightening but I've still got love feelings from Adore You, and Miley's 'Oooh'ing over the top is quite comforting. I do just like this song, I don't know if I'm 100% alright with loving it but I do and that's it. I like to party, I wanna dance with Miley, I wanna go to the party house and own the night and look really fierce in white leotards and stuff.

Seriously though.

Part of me wishes that the frightening voice over the top of it all wasn't there, and I'm feeling a bit guilty admitting that I don't have a problem with the lyrics 'we run things, things don't run we'. Left feeling like I wanna party, which overall is quite a nice feeling.

3 - SMS (Bangerz) - Featuring Britney Spears

A lot of expectation rides on this song, as it's the title of the album. Before it's even begun I've got my hopes up. Wondering what she's actually referring to as 'bangerz'... Is it sausages? Colloquialisms for breasts? That weird thing where people hold up two fingers like guns? God knows.

A fine example of some Bangerz.

Britney Spears is featured on this track so obviously she scores like a million points for that alone. Oh she just made a sex toy joke. The creepy voice is back. She's strutting her stuff, apparently. At the end of the song I'm left feeling slightly confused and still not enlightened as to what 'bangerz' are.

4 - 4x4 - Featuring Nelly

The amount of time I've spent wondering what Nelly is up to these days has just been resolved! I wonder if he's still wearing a plaster on his cheek. Hm.

There's something bizarrely attractive about Nelly. He makes me want a facial plaster or a recurring shaving wound.

This song is like if hip-hop and country had a lovechild. Not in a Taylor Swift ft. T-Pain way, I'm not even sure what way this is in. I feel high, the repetition is killing me. She's talking about pissing on herself? What? WHY!? Is this song about making doughnuts in dirt tracks?

Round and round and away we go

I'm totally thrown off and Nelly hasn't uttered a word yet.  Round and round and away we go oh my god. Oh Miley, even though you're talking about having dirt all over your body, I really would suggest rapping as rarely as possible, leave that to Nelly. They're talking about providing false alibi's. This is the worlds most mismatched song. One of the lyrics is 'I'm a female rebel' which is annoying in itself because yes, you identify as female, but the word 'rebel' is genderless so there really is no need to specify that you're a female rebel. Tulisa, take note (female boss, WHAT?!).

Just shut up Tulisa, your time is done

5 - My Darlin' Featuring Future

No idea who Future is but I'm EXCITED. Definitely a different vibe to 4x4. She's singing about marriage again, it's not a stones throw away from Adore You in terms of vibes. I'm assuming the masculine presence in the song is Future. Hieeeeeeeee Future. I generally don't have much to say about this little number.

6 - Wrecking Ball

After having listened to this song on repeat (not always accompanied by the video), I can already say I'm a huge fan. The drama with Sinead O'Connor and the comparison to Nothing Compares 2 U was a bit tenuous, the only similarities are that there happens to be some tear soaked staring into the camera. I struggle to talk about this song without referencing the video, which might be a bit male-gazey of me but at least I'm admitting to it. Firstly, we were all happy to see Miley sporting cherry red Docs and a white vest with a shaved, bleached head. Every baby lesbian's wet dream.

Secondly, she has really great skin. Thirdly, HOW DO PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THAT?! Like really, how can someone get their body to look like that?! I'm baffled. Yes, she may have violated several inanimate objects during the making of the video, but I can only criticize that in a way that will show my true pervy colours. ANYWAY back to the song. I find it heartbreaking because I'm now emotionally involved somehow. I think it was the previous track that really pushed me further in. I seem to be empathising and I can't help thinking about her breakup with her fiance and then I'm annoyed at myself for being so patronsing. It's a sad song. I wanna cry.

7 - Love Money Party - Featuring Big Sean

Who is Sean and why is he big? This just seems to be picking out keywords from the theme of the album. That is all.


Any song that starts with a hashtag gives me mixed feelings. A song about sex it is then. Considering I'm patiently awaiting Miley's lesbian phase, she's convincing us she likes boys rather well. This song is dull I want it to be over. She even sounds bored while singing it. Maybe my Post-Wrecking Ball depressing is sinking in.

9 - Drive

It's started promising, definitely needed something upbeat after that monstrosity. Songs that seem directly aimed at someone kind of scare me a bit. This shit is really intense. I'd listen to her if she wanted me to drop the keys off in the morning. The song did not end well, I feel awful.

10 - FU - Featuring French Montana

Is French Montana the French version of Hannah? I do hope so.

I googled 'French Hannah Montana' and this is what came up. I don't think that's him.

She just used the phrase 'LOL'd'. Oh Miley, come on. Oh I understand, this song is all about abbreviations. As most of you know, I'm totes down with abbreviating things. I feel a bit better about the LOL mishap now. I'm sure her intention is not to make her listeners yawn, but I just yawned. This album is definitely rapidly losing its charm. Plus French Montana isn't French Hannah. Disappointment sandwiches all round.

11 - Do My Thang

Thang. Promising. Motivational message directed about worrying mother types. Let her do her thang, cause she's gon' do her thang! She's 'a wild southern belle, crazier than hell'. Well done Miley, you've clawed a point back. Oh now she's started rapping. Oh god I'm starting not to care.

12 - Maybe You're Right

'It's too late for us to try to be in love right now' - Ok, so maybe it wasn't so patronising for me to think about her breakup while listening to these songs. Surely that's just flat out directed at her ex? At least people can relate I guess...

13 - Someone Else

Come on Miley, give me something uplifting, please. She seems to have gotten over the love thing. she's pretty adamant that love sucks. I'm a bit worried about her, she's dragging the nurturing motherly side out of me. THIS WASN'T WHAT EITHER OF US WANTED. I can't help but feel that the final bridge is lyrically reminiscent of Bon Iver - Skinny Love. Back to being annoyed.

14 - Rooting For My Baby

I thought she didn't have a baby? I thought that was the point? I'm becoming exhausted now. I just don't care anymore.

15 - On My Own

She's just clutching at straws now. This song might be borderling catchy if I wasn't already so drained from the rest of the album. It's all just a bit self-deprecating vs overly self-assured. It's the weirdest balance ever. Ugh. I wanna skip and just get the last one over with.

16 - Hands in the Air - Featuring Ludacris

LAST SONG makes me wanna put my hands in the air. It's hard not to be a fan of Ludacris so at least his rap is like a big warm hug on a cold day. I feel like the 'you' she's singing about in each song is a different person. All she really wants is to see your hands in the air. We could all oblige, couldn't we? *slowly raises hands*.

I reckon if they picked out like 6 songs from this album they could actually have a decent one. If they condensed it to Adore You, We Can't Stop, Wrecking Ball, Mayyybe 4x4 and Do My Thang for the lols and probably SMS (Bangerz), you'd have a tidy little album. The issue is that there are so many bad songs on one album. I feel like I've just lost a year of my life listening to that, when I wish that I'd just felt regenerated and ready to get naked and sexy and leotard-clad wearing grillz.

I'd give it a 6/10, and that's only because of my recently found but nevertheless deep-rooted love for her, and the sheer rapidity that she managed to totally change my opinion of her. I used to think she was talentless, and I think at some point I made a comparison between her face and a pigs trotter (I was young, I regret my words) but now, I only have nice things to say about her face and her talent, and that's a great thing. Everyone should follow suit.